Ziva slept while I wrote, and the birds and the squirrel visited the feeder.
Today while I was writing, Ziva, my twelve-year-old standard poodle, slept on her dog bed in my office. She doesn’t take my writing seriously. She takes a nap. And when she is bored with napping, she will get up and jab my right elbow with her nose. This means she wants a walk, because when we return she knows she will get a treat. She’s very good with cause and effect. If I ignore her first jab, she will jab again and again, until I say, “Okay, just let me finish this sentence.” It’s difficult to type when my elbow is suddenly tossed into the air by Ziva’s snout. But, today we walked before I started writing, so she was content to sleep instead of interrupting my stuttering flow of creative whatever.
Today’s big distraction took place outside my office window. Nuthatches, chickadees, house finches, a downy woodpecker, and a squirrel showed up at the bird feeder that hangs in the pine tree. It was a comic opera of dance, birdsongs, and slapstick.
The nuthatches and chickadees were happy to take turns at the feeder, but when a pair of house finches arrived, the other birds backed off and lit upon nearby branches in the pine tree. The house finches parked themselves on the feeder and ate, and ate. House finches are about the same size as the nuthatches and chickadees, but they obviously have an unsavory reputation in their small-bird community.
Occasionally, a chickadee attempted to fly in and snitch a seed, but the finches refused to yield. The chickadee, chickening out at the last second, would furiously flap its wings, nearly come to a screeching halt, then hover a moment before veering off to the left or right, returning to a branch in the tree. One chickadee flew up to the feeder, and one of the house finches turned its head, making a motion like a dog barking to defend its dish of food. The chickadee made a hasty retreat.
For the most part, the nuthatches made do with eating insects they found on the bark of the pine tree. But occasionally, one of them, craving a tasty sunflower seed, bravely approached the feeder. The house finches weren’t intimidated by them either.
During all this comedic drama, a squirrel arrived. His fluffed-out, bad-ass, tail-twitching demeanor made all the birds, including the house finches, seek higher branches. I chuckled because my bird feeder is squirrel proof. Many squirrels have tried, and all have failed. In a scene of choreographed comedic buffoonery, I watched the squirrel walk back and forth on the branch, eyeing the feeder. Next, he climbed on top of the feeder and stretched a paw downward toward the opening filled with sunflower seeds. Maybe, I thought, this one will figure out how to nab a seed from the squirrel-proof feeder. But no. He was only providing that moment in a story when we think a character will get what she wants, which made the next moment funnier because the squirrel fell off the feeder and onto the ground. My laughter startled Ziva, who lifted her head. The birds, however, wasted no time guffawing. They vied for position at the feeder.
And the squirrel was fine. He climbed back up the tree and sat a couple of branches above the feeder. He made a big show of licking his paws then smoothing the fur around his face and ears. Finally, he fluffed his tail with his tiny claws then gave it a swish, swish through the air. His rendition of a human tripping, picking herself up, looking around to see if anyone saw her fall, then smoothing out her clothes, before moving along like nothing happened. The squirrel made no second attempt at the feeder. The house finches came and went a few times, and each time they departed the chickadees and nuthatches rejoiced.
A downy woodpecker joined the troupe, an extra without a speaking role, relegating herself to the background while she pecked at the branches and trunk of the pine tree. Downy woodpeckers like to chum with chickadees and nuthatches, maybe because they take turns at the feeder, and downy woodpeckers like sunflower seeds. But today she was above jostling for seed, maybe she didn’t like house finches either.
I was supposed to be writing, but all the drama at the bird feeder was as good as a rousing, twisting, turning period drama on Masterpiece Theatre. Cooperation, backstabbing, greed, ingenuity, snobbery, high drama, and comic relief all outside my window. All potential themes and plot twists for a future story I might write.
On May 5, 2023, I wrote about Lois Hoitenga Roelofs’ wonderful memoir Marv Taking Charge. It’s the story of her husband, Marv, and his decision to skip chemotherapy when he is given a terminal cancer diagnosis. He decides to live what is left of his life without the often debilitating side effects of chemo. Roelof’s book is a well-written and important story. Readers learn about the process of hospice and dying. She covers the emotional and practical aspects with honesty and courage. Congratulations on the award, Lois! Marv would be so proud!
Cabela with one of her favorite toys. She was always so gentle with her stuffed toys.
Cabela died at 11:30 on the night of August 4. She was fifteen years old, and we loved her very much. She was a brown standard poodle born on June 24, 2008, in a red barn on a farm in Barret, Minnesota. Her first human parents were Emmet and Ruth, a pair of kind farmers who raised Labradors and standard poodles for pin money. Cabela spent her early puppy days playing outside on their farm with her siblings in the summer sunshine. She developed a life-long love of being outdoors.
Cabela on patrol.
When we brought Cabela home, she wanted to be outside all the time. She liked to sit or lay under my husband’s maple tree in the front yard. She believed her job was to patrol the yard, watching cars and pedestrians move up and down the streets at the front and the side of our house. She and the priest who lived across the street became friends. When he left or returned home in his silver Buick, he would slow to a crawl to see if Cabela was outside. If she was, she would line up with his car, he on the road and she in our yard. The priest would slowly accelerate and Cabela would accelerate. They raced until she reached our lot line. The priest always ended the race in a tie, and the two of them enjoyed their game for years. In her prime when Cabela was excited, she ran hot laps, up to six or seven of them in a row, around our yard at warp speed, or she launched herself six feet into the air along the trunk of a tall pine tree. Drivers would stop and watch her performance. Dr. Jenny, her regular vet, once remarked, “Cabela has the heartrate of an athlete.” I said, “She is an athlete.”
Cabela died because her stomach twisted. The medical term for this is Gastric dilatation-volvulus (GDV). It’s more common in deep-chested dogs like standard poodles, and it’s more problematic in older dogs because the muscles and ligaments holding their stomachs in place become weak and more elastic. The emergency hospital vet, Dr. H, asked me if Cabela was spayed and when I said yes, he asked if her stomach had been tacked at the time. I’d never heard of this, but it’s supposed to help prevent GDV. I have no idea if Cabela’s stomach was tacked when she was fixed.
Cabela and Ziva on a winter’s walk. Many of our winter walks in the snow were magical.
On August 4, Cabela’s evening started out normal. She ate her supper, and an hour later she went for a walk with her sister, Ziva, and me. Cabela still loved her walks, but they were now a slow, grass-sniffing shuffle around the block, then she was done. After the walk she rambled around the house. This too was part of her evening routine. She had a touch of dementia, which often became more noticeable in the evening. In humans with dementia, this is called sundowning. Cabala would look like a person who had entered a room but couldn’t remember why, no matter how hard she tried. Usually after thirty to sixty minutes of intermittent ramblings, she settled into a deep peaceful sleep until the wee hours of the morning when she would wake me up so she could go outside and potty.
But on that night, Cabela wouldn’t even lay down for a short rest. She moved from the family room to the living room and back again. My husband and I encouraged her to lay down. We stroked her head and ears when she came near us. We patted the couch cushion, inviting her to hop up and rest. But she backed away and kept moving. We wondered if her hips or legs were in pain. She was arthritic and her hind leg muscles had begun to atrophy. We wondered if she’d torn a ligament. She didn’t cry or whine or wince. Cabela was so very stoic all her life, and at the end of her life she would be no different. Later that night while treating her, Dr. H would remark, “Cabela is one of the most stoic dogs I’ve ever treated.”
At nine o’clock, I gently helped Cabela lay down on her sheepskin bed. She resisted for a moment, then relaxed. She closed her eyes, and I stroked her face and neck. She fell asleep. Later I would realize that for a few minutes either fatigue got the best of her pain or the position in which she lay gave her a brief respite from it. But at that moment, it appeared she would sleep until the wee hours of the morning. I sat with her for five minutes, watching the peaceful rise and fall of her chest, her only movement. Then I let her be and returned to the family room.
But a few minutes later Cabela was up and walking around, lost and confused, looking at me with sad eyes. I tried to lay her down again and soothe her, but she was having none of it. She snapped at me, placing her teeth gently on my arm. She kept pacing. At ten o’clock I took Cabela to the animal hospital.
I had to carry her into the van. Again she whipped her head around and nipped at me. This time her head banged into my glasses, bending my wire-rim frames. She rested her teeth on my shoulder, but did not bite down. Only later would I understand she was saying, “It hurts so bad.”
We arrived at the hospital, and I had to lift Cabela out of the van. She snapped at me one last time, still all warning and no bite. After I described her symptoms to the receptionist, Cabela was seen immediately. Dr. H and the techs were wonderful to Cabela and me. The vet suspected her stomach had twisted. I felt awful. I told the doctor that I thought she had been sundowning. He understood because he’d had a beagle who had episodes of sundowning as an old dog. He remarked that Cabela had a very good heart rate for a dog her age. “She was an athlete,” I said.
Cabela was taken back into the hospital where she was sedated to relieve her pain, then she had her abdomen x-rayed. I knew if her stomach was twisted, she would need to be put to sleep. Dogs do have surgery to correct twisted stomachs and often survive if the condition is caught early. But Cabela was fifteen years old with some dementia, nearly deaf, arthritic with weak muscles, and during her initial exam, Dr. H had discovered she was nearly blind in her right eye.
Cabela’s x-ray confirmed that her stomach had twisted. The vet said because I’d brought her in so quickly, she would’ve been a good candidate for surgery if she had been younger and in good health. “But to do this surgery on her at this stage of her life,” he said, “would be cruel.” And I agreed. The vet left to get the medicine needed to put Cabela to sleep.
Baby Cabela playing with her big sister Bailey and Lizzy, their favorite toy.
The tech brought Cabela back to me and I sat on the floor and held her. She was heavily sedated, breathing quietly, soft and warm in my lap. I asked the tech if he had a pair of scissors so I could have a snippet of Cabela’s hair as a keepsake. He kindly made this happen. Then the vet returned. After Cabela died, I was given time alone with her. I held her. I thanked her for being such a good dog. I told her she would see her old pal Bailey, our first standard poodle, and they could play and nothing would hurt. They loved to chase one another and play tuggy with an elastic-filled, furry toy we called Lizzy. Bailey died when Cabela was two and a half, and she looked for Bailey for weeks. When my husband and I brought Cabela home and introduced the two of them, they began to play immediately. Every minute or so, Bailey would run back to my husband or me, wagging her tail and smiling as if to say, “Thank you! Thank you so much for bringing me a puppy!” Then she would dash back to play with Cabela.
We met Cabela on a pleasant September day in 2008 in Owatonna, Minnesota, near the Cabela’s sporting goods store, for which she would be named. My husband and I and my youngest son and his future wife were eating lunch in a restaurant and watching out the window as people walked up and down a row of dog breeders who had set up along a wide grassy boulevard. The breeders came from Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois, and Minnesota to sell leftover puppies they hadn’t been able to sell back home. We decided after lunch to look at them. I thought about free puppy cuddles. We already had our two-year-old standard poodle, Bailey, so I had no interest in getting another dog.
The four of us visited the standard poodle puppies first, and my son scooped up a chocolate one and snuggled her to his chest. Content, the puppy nuzzled in and closed her eyes. I talked to the woman about her poodles and my poodle. And while I talked, my son whispered, “Take her home, please, just take her home.” He repeated the words over and over. I looked at my eighteen-year-old son, holding this puppy, and my heart melted. I asked the lady how much she wanted for the puppy. Her answer was reasonable. I asked my husband if it was okay with him, and without hesitation he said it was. I wrote the woman a check, and my son carried her to the car. We never visited the other breeds of puppies.
We named our new puppy in record time. Because she was a chocolate-colored dog, my husband suggested Hershey, which I immediately nixed. “That name will encourage jokes about the Hershey squirts.” My husband laughed, but this was an indignity I felt no dog should have to endure. My son suggested Cabela, and we all agreed it was a great name. Cabela was eleven weeks old when we bought her, and I am eternally grateful that no one else had chosen her. She earned her middle name when during a case of the zoomies, she misjudged the width of the hallway and ran head first into a wall. As she shook her head, I said, “Your middle name is now Grace.” Over the years we gave her lots of nicknames: The Brown Bomber, Range Rover, Ichabod, Snickerdoodle, Kadiddlehopper, and Bel. I once read somewhere that a well-loved pet will have many nicknames.
It was after midnight when I came home without Cabela. I came in through the garage and up the basement stairs. Ziva stood at the top of the steps, waiting. She kept looking to either side of me, watching for Cabela to come up the stairs. Even though it was late, I knew I wouldn’t sleep, so I sat on the loveseat and Ziva climbed up on her favorite couch. I turned on the TV, but I have know idea what I watched. Every now and then, Ziva heard a noise and her head popped up. She looked toward the hallway, waiting to see Cabela come into the family room.
In 2011, after Bailey had died, Cabela was lonely. She had liked having a dog buddy, so we called Emmet and Ruth. Luckily one of their poodles had recently had puppies, so we reserved one for Cabela. But, when we brought Ziva home, she didn’t want to play with Cabela. Every time Cabela came near her, Ziva squealed like she was in mortal danger. And each time Cabela moved away and gave her space. “Won’t that be something if Ziva never wants to play?” my husband and I would say. Thankfully, two weeks later, Ziva approached Cabela and said, “Let’s play.” And they, too, became buddies.
Ziva and Cabela liked to be near one another.
Cabela died on a Friday night, and that weekend I couldn’t stay in the house. I wanted to be outside where Cabela had loved to be. I felt her spirit would be in the yard. I spent the whole weekend outside, making things look pretty for Cabela. I weeded gardens and picked up sticks. My husband helped me wash windows, clean gutters, and dig up some scraggly, out-of-control bushes so we could plant new ones next spring. If I mentioned Cabela’s name and Ziva heard me, she looked at me quickly and intently and cocked her head. “Where?” she would ask. She seemed so sad, too.
I miss Cabela. I loved how her ears flapped in the wind when she sat in our front yard on breezy days. I miss how she poodle-pranced down the street on our walks. I miss how she could raise one eyebrow and then the next, alternating back and forth when she asked for a treat. I miss seeing her on the living room couch, her front paws resting on its back and her head resting on her paws as she looked out the window, working the yard from inside the house. I miss how she would turn to look at us each night before she headed down the hall to her sheepskin bed. “Calling it a night?” my husband would ask, then say, “Have a good sleep.”
[My dog Cabela died two months ago. I’ve tried to blog about her dying (because I blogged about her when she was living) but I would end up crying. Then I would decide my words were fluff, unable to capture her essence and the hole left in my heart by her death. A couple of days ago I read“When a Cold Nose is at the Pearly Gates: Writing a Pet’s Obituary” by Laurel E. Hunt on Brevity Blog. After I finished reading Hunt’s blog, I tried writing about Cabela’s death in the form of an obituary, but that didn’t work for me either. And I cried again. Even thought Hunt’s writing idea didn’t work for me, I’m thankful I read her blog on October 6 because she inspired me to try and write about Cabela again. To learn more about GDV click here.]
On Friday morning I woke up with several goals in mind. I needed to wash some blankets and area rugs. I planned to cook an enchilada casserole using some homemade enchilada sauce a friend gave me. And I wanted to submit my 45,600-word collection of short stories to the 2024 Iowa Short Fiction Awards.
I have been working on a collection of short stories since January 2019, when I wrote my first short story, one I actually completed from start to finish. I submitted the story to a local contest, and it won first prize.
But I had a lot to learn.
For the next four years, I kept writing stories and essays. I started a blog. I took writing classes and attended writing seminars. I went to hear authors speak about their writing. I subscribed to writing magazines and read them. I read books on the craft of writing. I shared my drafts with writing groups, friends, and family members who were willing to give me feedback. I read lots and lots of books, novels and memoirs, short stories and essay collections. I was always a reader, but I kicked it up to a new level. And I revised “finished” stories based on my new insights.
I have submitted stories and essays to journals and contests, and I have nearly two hundred rejections to prove it. But some of my stories and essays have been published, and a handful have won or placed in contests. A year ago I did some math and discovered my acceptance rate was almost fifteen percent, but I don’t get published in the higher-ranking literary journals.
The writer’s bio I send with my submissions usually contains the words: “She is working on a collection of short stories.” Because a writer’s bio is written in the third-person, it feels like I’m talking about some other person, way over there, sitting at the other end of the room. But putting the words about writing a book of short stories in my bio was a contract with myself. That I wouldn’t just say it — I would do my best to make it happen. And my story collection grew.
On Friday morning the only thing I had left to do was finalize the order in which my stories would appear in my book. I paced like a traveler on a platform, waiting for an overdue train. I put the dishes away, made oatmeal, paid the power bill, and did a load of washing. I waited for my husband to go to work, so I could concentrate without interruptions, then I waited for feedback from one of my readers regarding which seven stories she felt were the strongest. I had asked four different readers to choose their top seven stories. The goal in arranging a short story collection is to start and end strong, and sprinkle other strong stories throughout the collection.
I knew which story would be the engine and which one would be the caboose, but I agonized over how to arrange the rest of the cars in my train of stories. I finally told myself, “Stop being ridiculous. If the judges don’t choose your story collection, it won’t be because they felt you should have put “Silent Negotiations” before “Elmer Wilson’s Viewing.”
I took a deep breath and folded over in the ragdoll yoga pose. After all, I didn’t even need to write a query letter to accompany my submission, and I didn’t have to pay a reading fee. Just a minimum of 150 pages, double spaced, with one-inch margins, preferably as a PDF file. Geez, I just needed to relax.
A short while later, I received my last reader’s list of favorites. Using Post-its on a large piece of newsprint, I moved story titles around until I was happy with their sequence. I copied and pasted the stories into one document then reviewed it. I filled out the electronic submission form and uploaded my file. After a slow inhale, I clicked submit, then exhaled. My stories had left the station on their first adventure. I won’t hear about them until January 2024. In the meantime, I will keep reading and learning and writing.
In the afternoon I washed the blankets and rugs, then I made the chicken enchilada casserole for supper. It was marvelous, and to celebrate my first book submission, I paired the casserole with a Bell’s Oktoberfest beer.
Now my bios will include: “She has finished her first short story collection and is submitting queries to publishers,” or something like that — it might need a few revisions.
“I have a story in this book,” I whisper to my granddaughter. We are in Redbery Books in Cable, Wisconsin. I hold an anthology of essays, short stories, and poems published by the St. Croix Writers of Solon Springs in 2020.
I whisper because I don’t want the clerk to think I’m bragging. Yet, I’m itching to tell the clerk, I have a story published in this book.
“That’s nice,” my granddaughter says, her voice mixed with a bit of awe, excitement, and curiosity. “What’s it called?”
I open the book to the table of contents and find my entry. As I show my granddaughter, I run my finger under my name and the title of my piece — Victoria Lynn Smith: A Cracker Jack of a Story, page 192. “It’s an essay about eating Cracker Jacks with my nana and the story she would always tell about finding a real diamond ring inside one of the boxes when she was a girl.”
I love the Redbery Books! It’s charming and cozy.
I want to tell the clerk, I’m in this anthology. Instead I return the book to the shelf where it’s displayed cover-side out, in a place of prominence. To see a book, in a bookstore, with my writing in it, fills my body with loads of tiny giggling bubbles joyfully bouncing around, tickling my insides.
But, I don’t want to come across as boastful.
I move away from the book but chide myself, What’s wrong with you?If you can’t even tell a clerk in a bookstore that you have an essay in a book they are selling, how are you going to promote the book of short stories you’ve almost finished writing.
I realize if I don’t tell the clerk, I will regret it. My book of short stories doesn’t have a publisher yet, maybe it never will. This is the first time a piece of my writing is in a book, in a bookstore, for sale. Maybe that won’t ever happen again.
I turn back, take a deep breath, and lift the book again. I walk up to the clerk who is behind the counter and say, “I have an essay in this book.”
She smiles and gives me the best possible response: “So you’re a writer, then?”
“Yes,” I say, and the tiny giggling bubbles inside of me shift into overdrive.
The clerk asks my name and the title of my piece. I hope she will read it later but realize she probably won’t. But I will remember her moment of undivided attention and kindness.
When I leave the shop, I don’t feel like a braggart. I feel proud. If my book of short stories gets published, promoting it will be difficult for me, but I will remember the clerk who was gracious — because most people are gracious.
Before I leave the bookstore, I buy a journal with dapper foxes on the cover and a greeting card featuring a few lines of poetry by William Butler Yeats. I hope to one day have a book of my own on a shelf in a bookstore, so the words by Yeats are encouraging.
[Note: When I sat down to write this blog, I opened my copy of Many Waters and found I actually have three pieces in the anthology. I’d forgotten about the other two, which aren’t listed in the table of contents. My other two pieces are “Writing’s Daily Worries,” an essay first published by Brevity Blog; and “Tossed,” a short story that won first place in a contest and was also selected for WritersRead at Northland College in Ashland, Wisconsin, where it was recorded for Wisconsin Public Radio.]
[I’ve read many good books in the past few months. I’m reviewing some of them in a series of blog posts. So, if you’re looking for a summer read, maybe you’ll find a book to enjoy in one of my book review posts. Note: Autumn Equinox begins September 23!]
Why did I read this book?
I follow Lynn Haraldson’s blog. I love her writing — how she expresses herself, how she captures the essence of an experience, and how she weaves the past into the present. After all, our pasts are part of us, always influencing our current lives. She blogs about many things, including some of the events in her memoir An Obesity of Grief. When her book came out, I bought it, certain it would be very good. I was right. I read her book in two nights — on both of them staying up much later than I normally do, telling myself over and over, “I’ll just read one more chapter.”
What is this book about?
Lynn Haraldson is nineteen years old, and deeply in love with her husband Bruce. Their life together — filled with dreams — stretches ahead of them. They plan to be married for seventy-five years. They have recently taken over the farm owned by Bruce’s parents, who have retired. They are the joyful parents of an eleven-day-old baby girl. Then Bruce dies in an accident.
The day Bruce dies begins as an ordinary day. Lynn takes care of their infant daughter while Bruce leaves the house to tend to the farm. But Lynn never sees Bruce again. He dies in a tractor-train collision. Filled with grief, she wants to see her husband’s body, to touch his hand, to say goodbye. But people tell her she shouldn’t because it will traumatize her, better to remember Bruce as she knew him. Because Lynn is nineteen, older adults treat her more like a child than a grown woman who has just lost her husband.
After Bruce’s death, Lynn tries to hide her grief, telling people that she is just fine. But her grief won’t stay put. It manifests itself in two failed marriages, in gaining and losing over one-hundred pounds twice, and in recurring nightmares featuring Bruce. She struggles with a nagging question: How could Bruce not see or hear the oncoming train?
For years, even though Lynn’s life moves forward in some ways, she remains stuck in a cycle of grief-driven behaviors until she begins therapy, confronting Bruce’s death and her grief.
What makes this book memorable?
Haraldson tells her story with unflinching honesty. If readers have experienced a tragic loss, reading An Obesity of Grief will help them understand they are not alone in their thoughts about grief and their struggles with it. If readers haven’t experienced the type of profound loss Haralson confronts, the book will help them understand the impact of grief because chances are they know someone who has faced the untimely death of a spouse or loved one.
Haraldson’s prose is both lean and powerful. She tells her story, moving back and forth in time, building suspense for her readers, taking them along with her on her journey. And as she grapples with the painful memories and emotions surrounding her grief, she gives readers a memoir that is deeply moving, insightful, and offers hope.
[I’d like to give a shout-out to the cover art on Haraldson’s book. It’s stunning and haunting, and it captures the essence of her memoir.]
“Hey, boys,” comes a lively greeting from a tall, white-haired man, whose cheery voice emanates from an equally upbeat face that gives the impression it has spent a lifetime brimming with friendliness. The man, who is at least as old as I am, is dressed in a pair of jean shorts and a casual blue shirt that matches the color of his fun-loving, twinkling eyes.
My six- and four-year-old grandsons have just entered the assistant lighthouse keeper’s home in Two Harbors, Minnesota. The jovial man, however, isn’t the assistant keeper. He is a tourist, like us, visiting the lighthouse grounds, which are now a museum.
He points toward the corner of what would’ve been a small sitting room. “What’s that, boys?” he asks my grandsons. I haven’t crossed the threshold yet, so I can’t see what he points at.
Without skipping a beat, my six-year-old grandson answers, “That’s a typewriter.”
“Wow,” the man says, now looking at me. “Most kids don’t know that!” He reminds me of my father who would’ve put this kind of question to anyone, young or old, in a museum, hoping the person wouldn’t know the answer, giving him the opportunity to burst into a history lesson. In the absence of strangers, my father would quiz me, “Do you know what this is?”
I smile at the man, and as an explanation, I say, “Their nana is a writer.” But this isn’t why my grandson knows a typewriter when he sees one. None of my grandchildren have seen me use one. I do my writing on a laptop. Although I wrote plenty of college papers on a typewriter, I can’t say I miss it. I made too many mistakes and smeared thick globs of whiteout on typos, which resembled miniature frescos when they dried, but without any artistic flair.
I’m not sure why I blurt out, “Their nana is a writer,” but something in the tall man’s happy manner makes me happy, so I say it because writing makes me happy. I’m already thinking about our encounter as something to write about.
So, why does my six-year-old grandson know that the machine with rows of letters is a typewriter? Because I like to take my grandkids to small museums. A month ago we visited the Old Firehouse and Police Museum. On the second floor in an old office displayed with artifacts, he pointed to a typewriter sitting on a wooden desk and asked, “What’s that?” I explained what it was and how it worked, and that the fire chief used it to type reports about the fires they fought.
The white-haired man moves on to another room in the assistant keeper’s house turned museum. My grandsons and I look at the typewriter. “Can I touch it?” one of them asks. My first impulse is to say no. Instead, I look at the typewriter. I don’t see a do-not-touch sign. If I had, I would’ve said no. In my family there are two kinds of people: those who can’t ignore signs and those who feel they are merely suggestions. But I’m flirting with a technicality because I know museum curators don’t want visitors touching artifacts.
I think back to the mid-1990s when I took my father and my two sons to the same fire and police museum that I recently visited with my grandkids. Inside the museum was an old fire truck, with a hand crank used to start its engine. I came upon my father turning the crank, which was located right below a sign that said: DO NOT TURN THE HAND CRANK.
“Dad,” I said, “you can’t do that. Look at the sign.” I wondered if he thought the engine might roar to life.
“Well, they left the crank here,” my father said, as if the presence of the crank negated the command: DO NOT TURN THE HAND CRANK. The old hand-crank fire truck was still there when I took my grandkids, but the sign was gone and so was the hand crank. I don’t think my father was the only person who turned that crank. He was a mechanic nearly all of his life, and the urge to tinker with mechanical objects never left him.
My grandsons and I are still staring at the typewriter. I think about my father and his belief that signs weren’t meant for him. He routinely ignored handicapped parking and speed limit signs. When he taught me to drive, he said that I could take curves at twenty miles over the posted limit. I stare at the typewriter, thinking about the fingers from the past that pushed its keys, sending thin metal bars with raised letters clacking to an inked ribbon, leaving black words on white paper. My grandsons stare at the typewriter as if it’s a mystical object, but I have no idea what they are thinking.
“You may touch it,” I say, “but very gently, like this.” And, I brush my fingers like feathers across a few keys. There is no one to tell me, “You can’t do that.” There is no one I can answer back to by saying, “Well, there isn’t a sign.”
I add, “Do not push down on the letters.”
Each grandson takes a turn, stroking a few keys softly, like they are a newborn’s forehead. Sensing they’ve been granted a special privilege, they are silent. Neither of them pushes down on a key. But I imagine they think about what it would feel like and how the typewriter would react if they did.
Suddenly, I understand something about my father and the old fire truck and its hand crank. He wanted to feel that crank turn. Perhaps, because he’d never had the opportunity. By the time he was born in 1937, hand-crank cars were a thing of the past. But his father, who opened a gas station and repair shop in 1920, would’ve worked on cars with hand cranks. Perhaps, my father wanted to touch something that linked him back in time to his father.
After all, I enjoyed touching the typewriter keys and wondering about the lighthouse keepers and the documents they typed. Perhaps, in their off-hours, they wrote novels or stories or poems about the solitary life of lighthouse keepers and the stormy moods of Lake Superior.
We move on from the typewriter, looking at a way of life from the early 1900s. An old stove waits for someone to start a fire in it and cook a meal in cast iron pots. Old dishes sit on a scarred table, waiting for a meal to be served upon them. An ancient washing machine waits for someone to load it with soiled clothes. Oil lamps wait to be lit after the sun sets, and an old stuffed chair waits to be filled by a weary person at the end of the day.
Over and over my grandsons ask, “What’s this?” And I explain. Over and over their hands reach to touch an object, and I say, “Don’t touch.” I point to the signs saying, Please, Do Not Touch, which had been absent by the typewriter, but are now everywhere. And each time they withdraw their hands. I can’t ignore an actual sign asking, Please Do Not Touch.
But I’m glad there wasn’t a sign by the typewriter, and I wonder if my dad would’ve pushed the keys.
[I’ve read many good books in the past few months. I’m reviewing some of them in a series of blog posts. So, if you’re looking for a summer read, maybe you’ll find a book to enjoy in one of my book review posts.]
Why did I read this book?
A few weeks ago, I visited the library and spotted Alastair Gee and Dani Anguiano’s book on display. In 2018, I had followed news stories about the devastating Camp Fire in northern California. I decided I wanted to learn more about the fire because there are so many fires now, both in the United States and all over the world. I often read books about current events because I learn so much more than can be presented in a brief television news broadcast.
I worry about fire. I live in a small urban area that is surrounded by lots of woods and fields. While the temperatures tend to be cooler where I live (thank you, Lake Superior), we have been short on rain. And I wonder what might happen if the drought-like conditions continue for several years. If intense, uncontainable, hotter-than-hell fires can happen out West, on Maui, in Canada, and on the other side of the world, they can certainly happen here — in my backyard.
What is this book about?
The Camp Fire ignited on the morning of November 8, 2018, in Northern California in Butte County. Before the fire ended, it would burn most of the towns of Paradise and Concow and a large part of the towns of Magalia and Butte Creek Canyon, destroying more than 18,000 structures and killing at least eighty-five people. The fire, which cost over $16 billion, spread with unprecedented speed and intensity.
Gee and Anguiano’s narrative follows the stories of a variety of people who live in Butte County on the day the fire started. We learn something about their lives before the fire destroys their way of life. We learn how the violent fire spreads as it torches over 153,000 acres, and why the fire is able to devour so much so quickly. We learn about the attempts of both firefighters and civilians as they try to save homes, businesses, and people. And we learn about the fire’s aftermath as people struggle to rebuild their lives.
What makes this book memorable?
Alastair Gee and Dani Anguiano are both journalists. Gee has written for the Guardian, The New Yorker online, the New York Times, and the Economist. Anguiano has written for the Guardian and the Chico Enterprise-Record. They have researched and written a clear, concise piece of journalism covering the who, what, where, why, and how of the deadliest wildfire in California’s history.
As I finished reading Fire in Paradise, the fire in Maui started. I was struck by the parallelism between the two fires. Drought made each fire more potent. Once both fires started, they spread so quickly that evacuation of people was severely hindered. People in both fires survived by jumping in water. High winds played a part in making each fire more violent and deadly. Destruction in both Butte County and Maui was widespread, demolishing homes and businesses — the economy of whole communities.
A faulty electric transmission line started the Camp Fire, a recurring problem that had caused other fires in Northern California. The 2023 Maui wildfire is suspected to have been started by a sparking power line, and previous wildfires in Maui have been started by power lines. Burned buildings and cars leave behind toxic materials that pollute soil, water, and air, endangering the health of people and wildlife. Similar, heartbreaking stories are told as survivors hope to find their loved ones alive. The death toll in the Camp Fire was high, but the death toll in Maui will probably be much higher. People’s lives are forever ruptured.
Why is this book important?
Global warming caused the Camp Fire to be deadlier, faster, and more violent than fires that have preceded it, and the Camp Fire is part of an escalating trend of intense fires occurring around the world, like the recent wildfire in Maui. Fire in Paradise is an important story because global warming doesn’t care if some people deny its existence or if some people procrastinate, thinking there is more time to deal with it. Because global warming doesn’t care, we need to care. Fire in Paradise gives readers a chance to understand the enormity of what happened to people and whole towns. Perhaps reading personal stories about people who survive intense fires, storms, and floods attributed to global warming will make the cost of ignoring it more real.
The jacket makes its return to the Goodwill, January 2023
I bought the deep-green Minnesota Wild windbreaker at Goodwill for $3.99. Its 2T size was perfect for my grandson Michael, who was two years old at the time. I kept it at my house as a spare jacket because where I live the weather changes faster than a runway model. Michael wore the jacket on misty days and sunny-but-cool breezy days and gray chilly days when the sun refused to show its face. When needed, he pulled up the hood and slipped his hands into the pockets, hiding his ears and hands from the cold.
When Michael outgrew the jacket, I saved it for Evan who wore it until he outgrew it. Then, I saved it for Charlie who wore it until a year ago when he told me, “I’m too big for this.” I had run out of grandchildren, but I kept the jacket. Throughout the year, I thought about donating it back to Goodwill, but it held memories. My grandsons wore it to the library, to parks, and on walks. When they ran and played, the windbreaker’s waterproof material serenaded them with a crinkly tune.
I’m somewhere between my mother and father on the what-to-purge-and-what-to-keep scale. My mother saves very little. A few years ago, I asked her where the instructions were for her bike lock because I needed to reset the combination. Her answer: “I threw that out.” When I complained, she snapped, “I can’t save everything.” She claims she doesn’t want to make her children clean and sort through piles and piles of possessions. But really? Even small amounts of clutter unsettle her.
Very little exists from my mother’s childhood, but I think that’s because her family had very little. What happened to the other bits and pieces from her youth? I don’t ask. Perhaps her mother threw them away, or perhaps my mother did. Sometimes memories connected to objects are painful, a place one wants to walk away from, not revisit.
In contrast, my father saved a lot of stuff: old newspapers, if an article interested him; letters, including the ones I sent him; his childhood artifacts; his pilot logbooks; trinkets of all sorts; and bits and pieces of mechanical objects because he never knew when he might need that specific part or screw or nut and bolt. He wasn’t a hoarder, and we could walk through his house without fear of being consumed by his possessions, but his garages, closets, and spare rooms were filled with his history, both the small and momentous moments. He would’ve saved the instructions for the bike lock.
My father also kept old issues of Trade-A-Plane, a publication printed on yellow paper, where pilots could buy and sell airplanes and their parts. When the Trade-A-Plane came in the mail, he would dodge his responsibilities and read every classified ad, even if he wasn’t looking to buy or sell because, as he would say, “You never know.” He had lengthy telephone conversations (at a time when long-distance was expensive) with other pilots about planes, even if no buying or selling took place.
Frustrated, my mother once asked him why he needed to save every Trade-A-Plane, and he said, “Well, you never know.” He might want to look up something in one of them. Sounds ridiculous that with decades of old issues, he would be able to find something specific from years ago. Maybe he could have, maybe he couldn’t have, but he was comforted by their presence. They held memories of the planes he bought and sold and dreams of the planes beyond his reach. When he needed to buy a pair of wings for his Cessna 196, he called the airplane junkyards that advertised in the paper. He found a set of wings in New Jersey and had them shipped to Milwaukee.
My father saved the letters his father wrote to his mother in 1937 when she was pregnant with him and in the hospital on bed rest. Her pregnancy had become difficult, and if an emergency developed, the doctor didn’t want her to be an arduous forty-mile drive from the hospital. My father was born on November 24, 1937, and his parents saved a copy of Life magazine from that week, along with the cards family and friends sent on the occasion of his birth. My father treasured all of it. He had a vein of sentimentality that ran deep through his curmudgeonly bedrock. After he died, I inherited these keepsakes, and I cherish them.
The letters my grandfather wrote to my grandmother while she was in the hospital hold the ordinariness of daily life, recounting the weather, what he ate, how much gas he sold at the station, how deer hunting season was progressing, and when he would be coming to visit her. But with each mundane line, I imagined my grandfather writing around his fears about his young wife and child, praying for them to be well and hoping for them to come home soon. Always he signed his letters, “Lots of love, George.” In one letter he wrote about his day and mentioned he’d gone “to sleep without his bed companion.” It was the only personal line in all of his letters – subtle, but filled with longing to have his wife and child home and to be a family. This would’ve been important to my grandfather who was orphaned when he was eleven years old.
I can leaf through that Life magazine from 1937 and know I’m reading the same pages my father and his parents once read, learning what was newsworthy the week their first baby was born. When I read it, I found an article about Dy-Dee doll, “the most popular doll in the world” because she wet her diapers. My mother-in-law received a Dy-Dee doll for Christmas in 1937. The doll was all the rage, and she never forgot Santa left one for her under the Christmas tree. That 1937 issue of Life is a keeper because it connects me to my father and my mother-in-law, making it something I save. My children will have to throw it away.
I understand why my father kept the letters and artifacts of his childhood. I still have the teddy bear Santa brought me for my first Christmas in 1959. In my forties, I put Teddy in a plastic garbage bag. He had holes in his neck and crotch, and most of his fur had worn off. I tried to throw him away, but I couldn’t. After I pulled Teddy out of the garbage, I told my son, “I just can’t let him go.” And my son, who embraces minimalism to the point of nothingness, said, “Somethings you just need to keep.” So, Teddy sits in my closet on a stack of quilting material. I have my yearbooks and old report cards. I have photographs and a scrapbook. I have toys and clothes and artwork that belonged to my children. I have a pair of onyx owls from Nana and a colorful laughing porcelain Buddha from Grandma Olive. I have an antique hutch filled with glassware. I save all the instructions for every appliance and bike lock I buy. But I sympathized with my mother about Dad’s Trade-A-Plane obsession.
And so, after hanging in a closet for a year, the size 2T Minnesota Wild windbreaker became like my father’s old issues of Trade-A-Plane, no longer useful. Because I wanted others to make happy memories with the jacket, and because having too much clutter in my house unsettles me, it was time to let go. I placed the jacket in the wooden clothes bin at Goodwill. Having heard the door open, a young woman with a broad smile approached me and asked if I needed a receipt. I told her no, and she went back to sorting donations. I turned to leave but I couldn’t, so I grabbed the jacket and laid it on a bin of donated books and took a picture. That helped. It’s what my father would’ve done. He was the champion of taking pictures of everyone and everything. In his later years, he always tucked a small camera in his shirt pocket.
I lifted the jacket off the books, but I wasn’t done yet. I felt compelled to tell its story, so I stepped into the large sorting room, and the young woman asked, “Can I help you?”
I held up the officially licensed NHL windbreaker with the Iron Range Red, Forest Green, Minnesota Wheat, and Harvest Gold “wild animal” logo that appears to be a bear or a wildcat or a wolf. (When asked, the Wild organization will only refer to it as a “wild animal.”) And I told the young woman the story of the jacket’s full-circle journey from Goodwill, through three grandsons, and back to Goodwill.
I felt like an old person telling a story that a young person isn’t particularly interested in hearing, but she smiled, said it was a good story, and thanked me for sharing. I’m fairly certain she meant it. On my way out of the sorting room, I dropped the jacket back into the clothing bin and hoped that soon some child’s parent or grandparent would buy it.
A few weeks later Evan and Charlie came for a sleepover, and we took my dogs for a walk. None of us thought about the windbreaker because it was a clear, cold winter’s night, and we wore snow pants and heavy jackets, knit hats and insulated mittens. We passed the west side of the park, and Evan pointed to a tree and asked, “Do you remember when we circled around this tree last summer?” I didn’t remember, but I said yes because it was important to him. On that particular day, he might have been with his mother at the park, but that’s the slipshod nature of memory. Perhaps that’s why we keep physical remnants from our past. And on that clear, cold winter’s night with stars sparkling above us and a moon peering down at us, I remembered the Minnesota Wild windbreaker I’d given away.
Evan climbed the snowbank by the road, hugged the tree, and said, “This tree holds all my old memories.” He might grow up to be the kind of person who will save every issue of the Trade-A-Plane, all his Nana’s cards and letters, and the instructions for a bike lock. Or perhaps not. But at the agèd year of six, Evan already treasures his memories. And he understands the ability of an object to hold his heart.
[I’ve read many good books in the past few months. I’m reviewing some of them in a series of blog posts. So, if you’re looking for a summer read, maybe you’ll find a book to enjoy in one of my book review posts.]
Why did I read this book?
I’m a writer, and I’m always trying to improve my craft. So, I take classes about writing, I read about writing, and I listen to other writers talk about their writing. Many, many times I’ve heard writers and writing teachers reference The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien. But I’d never read it, so I kept promising myself that I’d get a copy and read O’Brien’s collection of short stories. It seemed that to be a short story writer but to not have read The Things They Carried would be like training to be a surgeon, but skipping the class on suturing.
Then a few weeks ago, I walked into a bookstore and The Things They Carried was on display. It was destiny. I bought the book and carried it home with me. O’Brien’s book was triaged to the top of my to-be-read pile of books, and I began reading it that night.
What’s this book about?
The Things They Carried is a collection of related short stories with recurring characters set during the Vietnam War, but some of the stories occur before and after the narrator’s time in Vietnam. These are the stories of young men who go to a war in a hot, humid jungle, so unlike any place they grew up; who don’t understand what they’re fighting for; who fight against what they often can’t see; who watch friends die horrible deaths; who die horrible deaths themselves. These are the stories of soldiers who survive, sometimes broken in body but always broken in spirit to some degree, with some of them permanently alienated from their former lives. The Things They Carried is an unvarnished war story without heroes and romanticism.
What makes this book memorable?
O’Brien’s beautiful, but haunting prose gives life to the torrid heat, claustrophobia, and disorientation soldiers faced in the jungles, swamps, rice paddies, and mountains of Vietnam. His prose gives life to the emotions of the soldiers: their fear of dying, their uneasy boredom, their numbness, their guilt over killing and their guilt over surviving. His beautiful but haunting prose helps readers through the horrific events that happen to the soldiers in his stories. And the horrific events he writes about are an integral part of the stories. It sounds like a paradox, but without O’Brien’s beautiful prose and story-telling skills, it would be difficult to digest the heartbreaking stories of the American soldiers in the Vietnam War; a war, which killed over 58,000 Americans and between two and three million North and South Vietnamese soldiers and civilians, and left countless survivors wounded and emotionally destroyed.
As a writer I will read O’Brien’s book again. I have to because the first time I read it, I was caught up in the characters and their stories, important stories that have so much to say about the human cost of war. The next time I will read the stories as a writer, paying attention to O’Brien’s writing techniques, hoping to better understand what makes his stories so powerful.
[To read excerpts or listen to a complete interview of Tim O’Brien from February 2021, click here: Fresh Air NPR.]
Writing Near the Lake 